HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
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Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.