Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
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Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Welcome
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason