I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
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[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.