model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
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me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.