Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
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A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.