I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
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Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.