Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
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Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!