“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
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Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*