look at me when i’m typing to you
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[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard