My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
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Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Employees must applaud the planets.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Lmao the reply
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes