The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?