her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
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Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
This will never not be funny to me.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?