I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
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Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Punctuation Matters. Period.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater