Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
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Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.