Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Incredible customer service.
another case of gang violins
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on