Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
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[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod