My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
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that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Stop being racist to kettles.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Straight people are cancelled
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags