Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
You Might Also Like
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok