I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
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First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!