First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
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Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.