First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
You Might Also Like
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
December birthdays be like…
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.