The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
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Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week