Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
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“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?