I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
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I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out