Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
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I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.