If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
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It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*