Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
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80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
They’re called werewolves.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.