[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
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New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Hitlers gonna hitl
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do