Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
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Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”