[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
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A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.