I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
ok like just. call me at this point
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.