[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.