Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
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Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns