My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
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No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.