Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
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Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
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There’s no “u” in narcissist
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
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My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Feels like the fourth month in January