Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Previously On Persistence 😎
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john