What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
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If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”