the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.