Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
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Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name