If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
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*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?