What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
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First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
President The Rock Obama
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.