[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
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Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.