Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
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Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Is fructose made with real fruct?