me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
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First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
new record!
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years