[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
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A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
unbelievably distressed by this ad
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING