Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
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Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.