The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
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Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Life hack
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
mood
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
my astrological sign is a french fry
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.