Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
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My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
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I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.