I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
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Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.