Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
You Might Also Like
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
(more comics:
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.