my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
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Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
President The Rock Obama
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.