Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”