Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
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idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
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ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
This sounds bad:
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If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I’ve had relationships like this
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I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Straight people are cancelled
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FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????